You do something long enough, you come right back around again
I’m tired. Very, very tired.
Tired of coming home from work spent because I had to learn some new tech on the fly.
Tired of having to parse another programmer’s code that has no comments and is wrapped in a bazillion functions and objects.
Tired of having to match people’s unrealistic expectations of my skill because if I don’t I get fired.
I literally get home and I can’t really think clearly for hours. I make it through the week and get excited for my weekend and the next thing I know it’s Sunday evening and I have to go back to work tomorrow.
You see I’ve been a web programmer on and off for over 20 years.
I’ve been thinking about, starting, modifying, and burning through idea after idea to startup a game development studio on the side for over 25 years.
All in all I’ve been programming for almost 30 years.
The truth is, I’m not a programmer.
I don’t want to be a programmer.
I didn’t want to become a programmer.
My entire career and creative focus the last 20 years has been nothing but a comedy of errors.
And yet, here I am… programming.
The thing is, I don’t mind programming, and this is probably why this got out of hand.
I simply have no passion for programming. Trust me, I’ve tried. I don’t want to be programming all of the time, or even most of the time. I also have no desire whatsoever to do very complex programming that requires a ton of clever engineering, computer science, and involve stupid endless academic debates.
It has taken almost my entire life to come to this point. I am truly and throughly done with it.
At 38 years old I’m probably at the halfway point of my life. Hopefully less then half, but until I die I can’t exactly divide my age by 2 and get accurate results.
It’s time to move on. Transition into the rest of my life. No pun intended.
So What Does That Mean?
It means that I’m effectively leaving the video game industry.
Oh, I’m sure I will dabble in it every once in a while. I do like Adventure games and RPGs and I might do a few sometime down the road. I might even do some of my “interactive works” someday as well.
The point is that I’m done fretting about it, trying to make the best engine (or pick the best), doing fancy game programming, bashing my head to transpose innovative ideas to actual implementation with just myself, and in general just being involved in this industry.
I’ve come to the realization that I don’t have much of a passion for video games and video game design in general as I should if I’m going to be doing this. It’s more of a casual hobby. I do consider myself a “gamer” but I don’t spend a lot of time anymore playing games as much as maybe I should be.
This is besides the other elephants in the room from the game industry such as immaturity, bro-culture, gamergate, transphobia, and women in tech.
What do I plan on doing
This life has literally been my hobby. I almost don’t know what to do with my time now.
While I do need to keep working and programming for the time being, I need to start figuring out what I’m going to move to next. I’m going to take some time and experiment. Revisit things that I have done, or wanted to do, and see where it takes me.
Some ideas that come to mind:
- Write a full length or longer short story (novella perhaps?),
- Create a short comic series,
- Make a short interactive work,
- Maybe design a game (non video/computer),
- Perhaps something else creative, such as an animation or film?
The goal is to find something to do that isn’t an obligation or brings me dread. Something that I have a passion for. I’m not looking to be unrealistically happy all of the time, but I want to find something that I get excited about. It’s been a long time since that happened.
The other thing I plan on doing is a concept dump.
Over the years I’ve accumulated a ton of ideas, concepts, and general thoughts on video game design. I don’t really want to just forget about them, but I’m never going to get around to them. So I will be releasing them to the public as I get the time to compile, organize, and write them up.
I’m sharing them mostly in the hope of seeing at least some of them come to life.
This is yet another recent big change for me. Dumping a lifetime of ideas, thoughts, dreams, expectations…
Take a deep breath Gwyn, a… deep… breath…
The Future of Forgotten Tale
I’m not sure what I plan on doing with the business element of the studio. I might shutter it, or keep it around and transform it into something else. Maybe turn it into some kind of creative repository/blog.
What I do know is that I’m keeping the name and everything with it. I don’t really think I need the company part anymore, but I’ve got most of the year to think on it before I really need to act.
My transition is going well. I’m now up to my full dosage for hormones and I’ve started to see results from my facial hair removal. There is still a long way to go, but I’m happy with the progress so far.
At least it’s Saturday night and I don’t have to work tomorrow.